Because being a Good Guy isn’t enough.

I am flying back to Oakland from the DC Women’s March. I am floored by the turnout, the engagement, the conversations, the critiques that are flowing from literally every angle of my world in the last 48 hours. I am particularly grateful for the many criticisms echoed by women of color, who are shining light on the issues in real time that need to be addressed as this movement forms. In the group I traveled with and at the March itself, I saw and felt the ignorance of fellow White Women. I can, and will, write more about how me and fellow white women have stumbled as we push ourselves to be better intersectional feminists, how we are trying to plug into movements that have been building long before we entered this fight, and how we are listening hard to every critique and WOC along the way as best we can to confront our privilege as we participate. This struggle will have a learning curve for many of us.

And I’ve also noticed something missing from the blogs, articles, news reports, critiques and statuses about the Women’s March. No one is talking about the men. And when I say men — I mean the cis/ hetero/ liberal/ possibly even self-identifying as feminist men who think of themselves as Good Guys and different from the overtly misogynist types. They are well-meaning, march-attending, worshipers of their mothers, and generally want to be a good ally; and while I appreciate their intentions — we need to be more specific about what it really means to be Good for women in this moment.

I don’t know about you, but from January to Election Day of this year, many Good Guys in my social media were brimming with hatred of Hillary as article after article poured in polishing every argument about the DNC sabotaging Bernie, the Clinton Foundation, the emails, the emails, more emails, and my personal favorite about how she doesn’t actually care about women’s rights. If it wasn’t the articles, it was the downright sexist memes. I participated as much as I could — knowing that anywhere from 2–5 men would aggressively come at me with these arguments when I responded with the ways she is equipped to lead are also why she’s criticized, how sexism is the biggest predictor of Trump support, and how they should be listening harder to the women in their lives about what is at stake if she loses. I noticed that women would “like” my responses, yet rarely chime in with their thoughts. I noticed that whenever women posted in praise of Hillary or even with #iguessimwithher as the feelings were lukewarm often enough, only other women agreed. I got angrier and angrier and it really shattered what I thought of the Good Guys in my community.

Flash forward two months and the Good Guys are utterly outraged over Trump, ready to take action where necessary, calling legislators, and proudly posting photos of the Women’s March with signs saying “The Future is Female.” I can’t help but notice how much these Good Guys are praised for their “solidarity” with women, when just two months ago many were perpetuating the echo chamber of how the woman at the center was “just as evil as Trump.” I can’t help but notice the severe lack of call to action for these Good Guys, and how instead we are delicately treading around alienating them from this movement.

Given that a very real struggle is ahead, what is the role of Good Guys in this fight?

I realize that even asking this can be contentious because it could be perceived as using the Master’s tools to dismantle the Master’s house, but that’s not what I mean. I’m not asking for power from men, I’m asking how are we holding them accountable? How can we help them self-identify their behaviors, so we are not burdened to explain the ways they unconsciously tune us out, make us unsafe, or hold us back?

So — this is for the Good Guys wanting to do right by the women in their lives and make an impact in confronting the male privilege they, and their friends hold. Because just being a Good Guy isn’t enough.

If you consider yourself to generally be a Good Guy, and feel defensive as you read, or automatically jump to thoughts like “this isn’t me” — try to sit with that feeling before moving right along. Not all points pertain to every guy, obviously, but how can you ask about your role in working with the men in your life who might answer these questions differently? What is your role when you observe men make these unconscious (or conscious) choices in real time?

1. Did you post heavily in critique of Hillary disproportionately to your critique of Trump? Have you asked women in your life how that made them feel at the time or now? Have you asked the women in your life how they are doing since the election? Have you given them space to process or share what feelings they have had, what fears they are battling, or what actions they would like to take? Can you articulate this if someone asked you what they said?
2. Do you share/elevate/praise the political and creative posts of the women in your social networks? Do you find yourself more likely to counter-argue with women than with men? Does that language online look differently than it would in person? Do you support the posts in the comments of women in your feeds?
3. Do you have a friend who is “that guy,” who you are kind of embarrassed to take out in public, who harasses women every time he drinks? Have you used the phrase “I’m sorry, not all guys are like that” when a woman tells you about a situation like this? What have you done to effectively curb this behavior? Has it worked? If the answer is no, have you asked yourself why are you friends with him, and at what cost?
4. At work when a woman shares an idea; do you echo, repeat, or praise it? Do women get interrupted frequently or do you interrupt them? Do they share their ideas on topics as much as men do? If not, do you ask them privately what their ideas are? Do you encourage them to share more, and ensure that you will have their back as they do? Do you confront men in your workplace who repeatedly interrupt or shut down your female colleagues’ ideas?
5. Have you used the argument that women are more awful to each other than men ever could be? Or that they are drama? Or crazy? Have you ever said things like “I’m so glad I’m not a woman” in the presence of other women? How about other men? Have you considered the root cause of this behavior? Have you asked yourself what physically attracts you to women, and if those traits align with how women can be mean to each other? Have you complimented a woman recently on a trait that doesn’t involve her looks?
6. In your romantic relationships with women, how do you assure that her needs are met? Do you ask her regularly? Does she ask you? What does it look like? Have you discussed this with her at length?

I don’t have the answers to how you might alter your behavior if you’re not comfortable with how you answer these questions, I am not a man. Nor do I think these are all the questions that need to be asked. I am asking, however, that Good Guys ask themselves what they are doing in their everyday lives, talk to their friends, and begin some very long overdue conversations. You are not an ally if you are not confronting your misogyny in yourself and in your circles, just like I am not a real feminist if I am not confronting my white privilege in myself and in my community. I welcome all the Good Guys to the fight, but only if you are actually fighting. Right now we all have to look in the mirror harder than we ever have before, and if we aren’t actively pushing men as we go we don’t stand a chance.